Well, it’s official: Raegen has achieved her super-secret goal of writing a blog a week for one year, starting on her birthday weekend last year. So, to commemorate the occasion — and the fact that she exists and such — her mother will now provide insight into the enigma that is Raegen.
Who is this Raegen character, anyway?
MOM: She’s my baby. She’s my daughter. She’s my first born. In fact, she tried to murder my second born.
So, other than homicidal, what was she like as a kid?
MOM: She was playful, good-tempered, ate everything I ever put in front of her. She was a good little girl.
So, what happened?
MOM: I don’t know. She got introverted. I don’t know what happened.
Was it her friends? Did she hang out with the wrong crowd?
MOM: I don’t think so. From what I recall, she wasn’t that sociable. She was a bookworm, and she had friends that had the same interests. She was in tap dancing, gymnastics, cheerleading and poms when she was young. Later on, she became artistic, creative. She was always writing stories, making up stories.
So, you’re calling her a liar. What were some of the crazy fads she went through?
MOM: Anti-vegetables. Anti-meat. Anti-bathing. She loved to swim when she was young; she just didn’t like to bathe afterward.
You could consider her a visionary, actually, because there’s a whole movement around those things now, you know — at least vegetarianism and anti-bathing. Just sayin’. Anyway, what was her love life like?
MOM: I think she had numerous crushes until she went to work at Cold Stone and met her first boyfriend, A.
Did you like A?
MOM: I liked A very much.
Just none of the other ones?
MOM: Well, I liked F until I found out how tortured she was with his nonsense. It was much later in life when I found out. And then there was her big crush — her secret fantasy about J that ended up coming true, and that ended up being a disaster.
Careful what you wish for.
MOM: Yes, exactly. It pained me very much because he came between her and her sister, K, who always had a great relationship — well, until he came into the picture.
How did she come to find Jesus?
MOM: Working at her old employer’s. He was a janitor there, and somebody asked her if she’d be interested in going out with him, and she said, “Not unless he asks me himself,” which he eventually did. The rest is history. My baby found Jesus.
Who are Raegen’s heroes?
MOM: She-Ra. One of her professors — Larissa. Probably the Dalai Lama and Buddha. I could probably safely say that one or two of her heroes are really heroines — not the kind that you inject into your system, but poets, writers.
What are some of your fondest memories of Raegen?
MOM: My proudest moments of Raegen were her graduating from college and then going on to get her master’s degree. My daughter is extremely intelligent — to the point where she intimidated her stepfather. He knew she was smarter than he was.
No, lady, this interview’s about Raegen, not K.
MOM: Most of what I would say are fondest are actually comical. The first one would have to be when she tried to kill her baby sister. The second one — actually, I think the one before that was when I was trying to record K’s first words, and she said, “Come on! Get on!” And I remember Raegen impressing me one time when we were at her grandmother’s house, and she went through the deck of cards and knew every card in the deck. And I remember when Raegie read to me for the first time: “Christmas isn’t just presents; Christmas is love.”
What was that from?
MOM: That was from a book she had; I can’t remember the name of it, but it was obviously a Christmas book.
What are some of Raegen’s pet peeves?
MOM: Stupid people. Dealing with ignorant, just plain stupid people.
So what are the qualities that she values in people?
MOM: Intelligence, diligence, honesty, people who pull their own weight, people who give credit where credit’s due instead of taking credit for other people’s accomplishments, loyalty.
What would you say was Raegen’s biggest mistake in life up to this point?
MOM: Probably pursuing J.
When people look back at Raegen’s life, what do you think they’re going to say?
MOM: That Raegen was probably the smartest person in our family.
That doesn’t seem like it’s saying much, though.
(Editor’s note: The opinions of the interviewer and those held by Raegen are not necessarily one and the same.)
What do you think her friends are going to say?
MOM: Her friends probably know sides of her that her mother doesn’t know. They probably would say that she’s their favorite pervert; she has a sick sense of humor; and that’s she’s a very honest, no-holds-barred, loyal friend.
What do you think the rest of Raegen’s life is going to bring?
MOM: Certainly more accomplishments as far as her creative self — publishing more of her works of poetry and hopefully some other books. Marriage and children. Family. Happiness. That’s what I hope for her, anyway.
Did this Raegen kid turn out the way you thought she would?
MOM: Ehhh… I don’t know.
Best. Answer. Ever.
MOM: I’m very proud of the person that she’s turned out to be, but I never would have thought that she’d be the person today that she was when she was a little girl.
Why is that? What’s so different?
MOM: As a child, she seemed to have been very concerned with making other people happy, doing things to please, and now she’s grown into…
A selfish b****?
MOM: She’s more focused on making her own happiness, and I’m not saying it’s a bad thing. I think she’s a person that puts herself first as far as her own health, well-being, and making her own happiness, and if it means cutting herself off from someone or something in the past, I don’t think she has any qualms about doing it.
Very good. Pretty painless.
MOM: Was it painless for you?
Yeah. That s***’s hilarious!