5 Things More Effective Than Voting

This will likely be my only blog about politics (which may make you happy or sad; I don’t know). You’ll understand why shortly.

Sorry, I got a little nauseated just thinking about this topic. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So, with Rick Santorum’s campaign officially resting in peace, one of my coworkers took the opportunity to begin ranting about the media’s blatant misrepresentation — or in this case, flat-out denial — of Ron Paul’s earlier win at the Nevada Caucus in Las Vegas — which is hilarious, coming from a journalism major. She was there, so she knew what had actually happened, and it was just so infuriating to her because even if people like her came out to participate — she was very proud to be one of these highly involved people — whatever got reported on the news later seemed to entirely disregard their voices and create a blatant lie in favor of, in this case, Mitt Romney, who was the “official” declared winner. She then asks me one of my favorite questions:

“Do you vote?”

Well... do ya, punk? (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Don’t even get me started.

Aside from the fact that her experience only serves as a case in point — you’d think to the both of us — that the whole thing is rigged anyway, thereby rendering our votes, should we choose to cast them, entirely meaningless, how can anyone ignore the obvious: No presidential candidate is going to do anything in the interest of people like you and me (because we don’t have the money to pay them to), nor are they really going to act very differently from each other. To say our current system is a failure is like saying Steve Jobs was a decent businessman.

Meh -- I did OK, I suppose. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Call me cynical if you want. I won’t deny it.

As a woman, I’m especially disappointed that I can’t take voting seriously; after all, this right was only given to uteri across the U.S. a brief not even hundred years ago. But I believe Santa Claus can make more of a difference in our country than our votes.

What's that, Sally? You want to be able to eat when you become a working adult? Giving you a Barbie doll would be easier, but I'll see what I can do. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

People get so bent out of shape about the whole thing, too. I would understand taking it seriously if, again, it weren’t a complete facade — but I fail to see how it isn’t. While your paycheck continues to get smaller (if you’re getting one at all right now) and your loved ones get sick and stay that way (health care will be another blog at some point down the road, I’m sure), you’re running around like Ryan Dunn with a Hot Wheels up his butt pretending there’s a legitimate reason you should be investing this amount of energy in your vote.

I’m not saying don’t care about or pay attention to the way this country’s falling apart. I’m just saying tend to your problems at home first, then start a revolution, because this system ain’t gonna get ‘er done.

Here are some things that do, though.

1. Navy SEALs

More effective than your vote, Navy SEALs can run over 200 miles in 5.5 days on less than 4 total hours of sleep — and this is only Stage 3 of their training. They can extract damsels and dudes in distress anytime they want, thank you very much (see here), and they can take you down — probably with a single pinkie.

I held my breath underwater for an hour with no scuba equipment; what did you do today? (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Sadly, though, even the Navy SEALs can’t save us from our presidents. They work for them.

2.  Super Glue

Super Glue is effective on plastics, metals, glass, and can even seal human lips shut. In some cases — say, telling your family which candidate you selected — your vote will accomplish the exact opposite.

I pwn. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Remember that guy dangling from underneath a pole because the hat he was wearing was Super-Glued to it? You bet your sweet patoot you do. If you ever found yourself in a circumstance like that, would you really leave your fate in the hands of a knock-off product? Accept no substitutes — like your vote, for example.

3. Colon Blow

How many barrels of your vote would it take to accomplish the job one small bowl of Colon Blow can? Let’s find out, shall we?

How many licks does it take to get to the center of ineffectual? (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

4. Yo Mama

She raised you, didn’t she? Plus, she’s a good sport about all those “Yo Mama” jokes. She cooks, she cleans, she irons, and she could budget a lot better than our leaders any day of the week.

Insert favorite "Yo Mama" joke -- not yo ballot -- here. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

5. The Middle Finger

That stranger in the Audi next to you doesn’t care that you’re talking on your cell, picking your nose, and dropping some mean SBDs in your station wagon. In fact, he doesn’t even care you’re in the lane he’s decided he now wants to be in. Hell, he doesn’t even know you exist — as evidenced by the fact that he nearly clipped your front bumper cutting you off right before the stop sign. Dude-bro has places to go and people to do, and they’re clearly much more important than yours.

Even this car has better plans than you. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This makes for an awkward moment, though, as there is an empty turn lane with your name all over it right next to him. You have a choice. Do you take the high road, or do you pull up beside him and whip out that bad boy (no, not that bad boy, you freak)?

This one. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Yeah, that’s what I thought. Audi Dude-bro now not only knows you exist, but hates you with the fire of a thousand suns. Your middle finger has summoned the rage of a world-class DB who never would’ve given you the time of day in any other circumstance — unless it was to tell you not to scratch the paint while you were shining the hood.

The best part: You never even had to say a word to elicit such a response. The finger said it all for you. I’d like to see your vote do that.

Participating in politics these days is like going to see Criss Angel’s “Believe”: You’d have to be blind not to see the strings, cables, smoke, and mirrors behind the “magic.” It’s just bad show, folks. Is it really fooling you?

I used to work with a guy who looked like this. True story. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Some people like to go to the movies to entertain themselves; others like to go to the polls. Far be it from me to tell you what you should get your kicks from. But I don’t take either too seriously, and I don’t get how anyone else really can, either.

Here’s my magical, mystical prediction about how this whole “election” thing’s going to turn out: Obama’s getting another term. Not because I do or don’t want him to — just because it’s not up to any of us. But don’t worry; when it happens, I promise not to say I told you so.