Five More Things You Would Never Say to a Man
This is a continuation of last week’s blog. It was getting a little long even for me, if you know what I mean.
(That’s what she said.)
OK, here’s new stuff for you to contemplate — five more things you would never say to a man.
1. “Honey, you look a little tired. I think you need some under-eye concealer to hide those rings.” Sometimes men look rough. You know what they have to do during those dark, desperate times? Deal with it — maybe go home and get a decent night’s sleep. Women, on the other hand, are treated as if a long night is some deep effin’ cause of concern, as if she’s caught some freaky infectious disease and needs treatment — STAT. Women get a whole line of expensive products to cover up the fact that they’re human too. Good times.
2. “Go pick up my dry cleaning.” Your spouse may say it, but your boss? Unlikely. Unless you’re a woman, that is. I think it’s funny how some people think it’s completely acceptable to treat a female employee as if, somewhere in her job description, there’s this little bulleted item listed in 8-point font somewhere that she missed which details her “surrogate wife functions and responsibilities” or something. Unless you’re really someone’s personal assistant — like, that’s the job title you hold and put on your resume — there is never any reason an employee should handle her boss’s laundry, period.
On another note, if on a regular basis — not as a once-in-a-while favor — you must ask your significant other, male or female, to do something as simple as completing a chore you’ve already passed off to someone else you’re paying to do it, I hope your partner has enough sense to tell you the same thing I would: “You’re an adult; go get it yourself.” I mean, it’s dry cleaning. It doesn’t get easier than that.
3. “Be a woman,” “Woman up,” or “Stop being such a man.” Statements like this — reversing the gender pronouns of all-too-common phrases — really illustrate how much we value the character traits we mistakenly attribute solely to one gender. I wouldn’t want to be a woman either, for example, if women weren’t strong, courageous or rational.
Good thing we are.
4. “I can’t believe you slept with ten different people in one weekend! What’s wrong with you?” It’s no shocker that the thing women are condemned for is the same thing men are lauded for. Call me conservative, but I think if you’ve done the above or something similar, it’s a good indication that, regardless of gender, you’ve got some pretty serious psychological issues going on. And I don’t think arguments like “That’s just how guys are” or “Women can be players too” justify an obvious dysfunction, either. So pardon me if I spare you the high-fives, “manly-men” and “liberated women,” in favor of handing you a referral to a mental health professional.
And now… the capper. Drum roll, please… Prepare yourselves, for this may very well shatter the foundations of all you can believe in and trust in this world…
5. “Fight Club sucked.” I’m not afraid to tell you this truth, dudes. This movie was sheer ridiculousness. Along with confused ideologies, one-dimensional characters (including the multiple-personality one, which is a feat unto itself), and a cop-out ending that made me aware that I’d just wasted 139 minutes of my life that I could never get back, the idea that a man has to beat another man senseless to feel empowered in life is insulting to you. And if you don’t realize that, well, go form a fight club with someone strong enough to snap your neck in the first round and put us all out of the misery of your existence.
The female equivalent of this movie in my mind is Sex and the City. Touching on what I mentioned earlier in No. 4, the idea that women are somehow “liberated” by being promiscuous and careless with their bodies, minds, and spirits is just insulting to one’s intelligence. Add to that “subliminal” messaging about what “sexy” women wear, and it’s enough to make this girl want to go burn down the set while everyone’s still there rolling footage.
I send my personal thanks to whoever finally made this show die. Now if that person would only promise me an end to the movie franchise as well…
So now that I’ve gotten all this out of the way, what’s my point, you may wonder. Here’s the thing — and it should be obvious, but even Corky from Life Goes On seems smarter than most people I meet these days, so I’ll ‘splain it for those folks: If you’d never say these things to a man, what makes people think it’s appropriate to say these things to anyone, let alone women? It’s remarkable — but ultimately unjustifiable — that even the smallest of verbal interactions change so drastically based on what’s in a person’s panties.
After all, let us not forget that some of you gents out there do, in fact, wear panties.
Which is fine by me, as long as they’re not mine.