How to Stop Dating Douchebags

During a recent chat with some of the ladies in my life, a single one in the bunch started detailing some of the lesser dates she’s had recently. (I know, I know — shock of the world: a crappy date.) Anyway, she wrapped up this portion of the conversation with a statement that’s been on my mind (obviously, or I wouldn’t be here writing about it) since: “I’m going to start trying some new things because I don’t like the type of person I’m attracting.”

If he looked like this, I don’t blame her. (No offense, Jay Cutler.) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

First off, let me just say, by all means, try new things in life. I’m proud of this particular friend because she is fearless when it comes to putting herself out there and trying new things (and no, I don’t mean S&M… although now that I’m thinking about it, perhaps I’ll have to ask her).

And, admittedly, I used to be a big believer in this whole “I’m attracting this into my life” thing myself. And in a lot of ways, I still am. But there’s one fundamental difference between me two years ago and me today (well, one I’m legally permitted to disclose, anyway): I acknowledge the level of douchebaggery in the world, I reject it, and I subsequently refuse to blame myself for it.

Allow me to elaborate.

I’m a huge fan of 28 Days to a More Magnetic Life. I have watched movies like The Matrix, The Secret, What the Bleep Do We Know? — even the likes of Being John Malkovich and I Heart Huckabees — and I believe there is much truth to them. I have had proof in my own life of the dynamic, manipulable nature of this plane of existence or whatever you want to call it, and this is the foundation of my faith in God.

But here’s the deal: I don’t think people attract a particular type of person (usually crappy, by the way, because no one ever complains about the opposite, right?) because there’s some mystical, freaky mojo that draws those people to them. It ain’t no mysterious aura surrounding you that douchebags’ eyes are trained to see, like how insects see ultraviolet and we don’t or whatever.

It’s you. That’s right, I said it. You. Your negative, self-destructive belief that you attract these types of people is the fundamental root of the problem, because you’re telling yourself through this statement — albeit indirectly — that you don’t deserve any better when you actually do. And even worse: when you believe that, you at the same time create your very own Get Out of Jail Free card for getting involved with said douchebags — because, after all, that’s whom you attract, right?

This Get Out of Jail Free card entitles me to unlimited reinforcement of my own self-loathing. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Hey, I speak from experience here, so don’t think I’m busting anyone out through some tough love without acknowledging my own unacceptable behavior. P.O.T.C. is all I have to say, for all y’all who knew me back in that day and get the reference.

Still, allow me to further translate what I’ve learned from my own mistakes — which were of fantastically magnificent proportions, I might add — and make my point crystal clear, because there are a lot of people in my life who are having this same issue. Let’s use some basic math and those English degrees I have to decipher this problem, shall we?

“I attract douchebags” = “Douchebags hit on me” + “I accept their come-ons”

See, that last portion of the equation is the silent, pseudo-attraction factor that few people even recognize, let alone realize is the part of their lives that they actually control — and by “control,” of course, I mean “can change,” because that’s not some mysterious attraction; it’s choice.

And let’s look at the equation when you do take control and make a better choice, shall we?

“Douchebags hit on me” — “I accept their come-ons” = “Lame douchebags move on” + “I’m happy over here, far away from douchebaggery”

Now, like I said, there are a great many douchebag in the world. This website here proves it, and even goes so far as to provide statistical evidence as to how many there are in fabulous Las Vegas alone. And these douchebags won’t stop reveling in their douchebaggery just because you’ve grown up, said no, seen the light, or what have you. They will still enter your life and may even attempt to destroy it. But… if you’ve learned anything from your own (or my) experiences, you’ll know better than to think it’s something about you that drew them near.

This diagram representing “a magnetic field of an ideal cylindrical magnet with its axis of symmetry inside the image plane” makes no sense to me, but it looks pretty cool, right? (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

And now you know exactly what to do — what part of the equation is in your power to exercise — to minimize your experiences with them. You don’t have to do new things (although again, there’s nothing wrong with that). In fact, you can do new things until you’re blue in the face, but until you just say no to douchebags — the only essential here — nothing will change.

A fellow Reagan just said no. Will you? (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

But the funny thing is is that the more you practice your part of the equation — rejecting the douchebags who come on to you — the better you’ll become at spotting the douchebags before they even have a chance to approach you. And suddenly, you will realize you’re no longer “attracting” those types of unsavory characters that seemed to find you no matter where you tried to hide, because it was never really a matter of that anyway, but of your own choices (including ignoring the many warning signs of douchebags’ behavior).

On top of this, because you’re now rejecting douchebags, you’ve made some room in your life for quality people and true love to enter it. After all, if your fridge is full of Two-Buck Chuck, you’re going to have nowhere for that Dom Perignon to chill, now, will you? Love and self-respect are the basic lessons here, and that’s really what your higher self’s attempting to attract to you. Help it out by saying no to douchebags and let it already!

Before I close, let it be known that douchebags come in all shapes, sizes and forms. In other words, this is not a man-hating blog. (I’m a feminist; I don’t hate men; there is a difference between the two.) But just to further build my case for this, my next blog will be about some of our New-Age “guru” types, perhaps the most dangerous form of douchebag currently walking the Earth — or buying the yoga mat — whatever. Stay tuned…